i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
