if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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