never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
