You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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