I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am available for nakedness
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
