I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
