you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
