I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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