I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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