look no pants
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
