i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
