is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize