we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize