No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
