I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
