When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
