Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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