P.S. I can't hear my feet
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
