you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
