I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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