the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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