we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She bit a glass in half.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
