I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize