I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize