I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well you can't waste a boner
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
