we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have feelings that need drinking.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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