its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
