tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
