SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just invented taco cereal.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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