when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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