Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
