i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
