dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
