Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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