T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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