That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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