So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
