I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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