speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
3pm strippers are depressing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
