Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
