theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
