I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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