I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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