Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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