at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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