Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
