Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
