16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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