He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
