ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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