remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
