the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My vagina is very pro this idea
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
