Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
