He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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