Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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