there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
