my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
