guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
