If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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