I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she told me i tasted like america
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
