Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
