one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
