You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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