Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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